Sometimes, I just don't know what to feel.

Humans are unique beings gifted with both sentience and rationality. These dual components live in a dynamic equilibrium, where its proportion and harmony depend on the poise one juggles. In this perpetual tug of war, a dominant-subservient-relationship often leads to nothing but chaos.

A conversation in 康熙来了 struck me with a pang of uneasiness. One of the female guests was explaining how a memorable odor ignited a myriad of intricate emotions. Tears pooling in her eyes, at the brink of gushing out her vulnerable dam. Oh my. What about mine, does this trigger exist? A smell? An image? A thought? A touch? A cascade of questions led to the spine of my mental turmoil -- when was the last time I embraced my emotions, truthfully, selflessly? Since when did apathy consume me? In light of that, I delved deep into my memories, conjuring up flickers of reminiscence. Unsurprisingly, the stark contrast between the irretrievable past and present is eminent. What's appalling is my impassiveness. Oh. A curt remark smothered with undue bitterness.

In my pursuit of excellence, self esteem has compelled me to strive, strive and strive for fear of losing the marathon of life. It was especially bad this year. My visual field was so focused and narrowed on my  goals. And of course, I managed to cruise through the year of vicissitudes with tenacious effort. However, as I widened my eyes, my periphery vision became so ... foreign? It reminded me of a song, 离家不远 by 南拳妈妈 singing  "当我满载成就回头向起点望，灰尘布满翅膀飞不回那扇窗". I'm marveled by the duality of time -- the miraculous potion and the merciless poison. Latter in this context, sadly. I was so attuned to the pace of a hectic lifestyle, that I overlooked other things that matter too. This tug of war was played by asymmetrical forces. And so, subconsciously I was whipped into an apathetic robot. In hindsight, recalibration is essential and I hope that the late revelation hasn't inflicted irrevocable damage.

I touched the reflection in the mirror, and I claimed a smile that didn't touch its hitherto-uncrinkled eyes. It offered no solace. Music and literature did though.



In this tugging war,
eclecticism is always the best policy.

Metamorphosis

A youthful caterpillar,

staring into the sky,

fixedly, emptily.

Yearning for the wings,

to embrace the vastness of the unknown.

In the lacking of flair,

amongst competent peers.

A sense of inadequacy emerges,

interrupting the conceited siesta.

Grasping knowledge of pollination,

trudging through waves of resistance;

sharpening the acuity of the shrewdest mind,

honing linguistic versatility and verbal eloquence.

All in preparation for incarnating the dream cherished.

A captive pupa,

enveloped by the cocoon.

Writhing in dilemma,

a phase embodying a double edged blade.

To immobilize or to protect?

Scorched by the blazing sun;

tormented by the mental abyss.

A flickering flare sparked from the deepest soul,

illuminating the darkness of the abode.

Anticipating the freedom,

upon breaking free.

A noble butterfly,

The desired honorific and prerogatives,

morph into responsibility.

Within resonate an instinctive calling,

to pollinate—to reach, to facilitate, to save.

The light is on,

an emanating zeal that’ll never wane.

Metamorphosis never works backwards.

Music, Writing, Me.

A revelation in light of my recent pastime.
Knotted in me,
a longing for the ability to express.

Three years.
A trebled improvement,
or an awakening slap?
I apprehend the verdict.

It's now or never.



Truth emerges,
enigma unraveled.
Am I an unrefined ore?

Journey

The rippled reflection,
mirroring the quintessence of haggardness.
Unkempt, tousled.
There lies the brutal truth,
unconcealed by the motion of the vigorous waves.

The arduous journey embarked,
in the clamor of tears and laughter.
Voices wane,
as distance parts.
The paradoxical solidarity,
engulfed by the echo of the droning earth,
eroding the deepest soul.

Teetering at the brink of crackups,
slogging through the depth of resistance.
I grow, I thrive,
from the complacent crudity.
I leap, I soar,
from the abysmal inferno.
Robust, hardy.
A different man I am.

The rippled reflection,
blurred by a shroud of haziness.
A vague silhouette,
lacking of fine details.
What did I see?
A glimpse of reality?
A delusional projection?
A transitional image?




Who would I be...?
Who would I be...?
Without this life journey?









To err is human,
to forgive is divine;
to repeat is carelessness,
to overlook is patience.
Patience will deplete.

死神的礼物

凝重的眼神，
伴着沉着的呼吸。。。
心，还跳动。

那年轻的躯体，
将长眠于冰冷的棺木。
世事与它再无牵托。


他的离去，
交杂着疑问与讶异。
但，在临别前夕，

这一切都不再重要。

纷纶终究会随着时间淡去。

而谜，仍旧是个谜。

死亡是趟单程旅途，

旅客无数，

终点一个。

悼念的人们，

思绪都飘到了哪？

死神存在吗？

它会敲门吗？

能活着，
会否是它的犒赏？
睁开眼，
所将迎接的未知数，
会否是冥冥中所预设的礼物？


忐忑，惊喜，不安，淡定。。。
人，还活着。




礼物内究竟藏着什么？
拆礼物时，
你心态如何？












带不走，留不下。
那让我乘风灰飞烟灭，
不留足迹。

临别总结

这次的假期，
尝试了前所未有的充实。
数一数:
我见了所有人 =D
我去了2间医院实习
我看了6本英文小说
我瘦了5公斤
我和kakak学煮菜
我尝试新造型
我做了2次义工
我睡到很够
我fairy tail 和 one piece 都up-to-date了
我两个月学完grade 5 音乐
我护肤又有了心得
我血拼到一个“爽”！！！
我复习了year1的课程
我重聚许多失联的朋友
我唱歌进步了(?)
我去了Ipoh, Melaka, Johor,
也去了Bali和 Bandung

最重要：在跌跌撞撞的当儿，我又长大了。

很感激每个人，
每个际遇。
让我成长了一些些，
见识了多一些些。

迎接的学期，
我真的很期待！
我已经准备好了！ =)

有些事本来都是徒劳无功，
虽然明白，
但，心里难免仍郁结。

以为忙碌是最好的麻药，
但有些疤，
触了还是会痛。
有些伤，
在夜晚将自己吞噬。

这次的离别，
真的是揪着心说再见了。
这次，真的很不舍的。。。 ='|
非常矛盾。

再会吧，
我爱的地方，
我爱的人们。 =)





弹着river flows in you,
摆动的手指，
被泪沾湿了。
喔，不是干枯了吗？

水

水，无形，无体，无态，
不过是在地壳这大缸内随波逐流的傀儡。

任凭无风，无潮，
水波的何去何从，仍无所遁形。

它的随俗浮沉，
牵引的不过是事实胜于雄辩地无可奈何。

凭空捏造，还是需要些根据。




我何尝不是。